Yes. It’s one of those days. Not everything has gone wrong but I’m not sure much of anything has gone right. It’s one of those days when I question my ability to be a stay at home mom. I know it’s my children’s job to test me, to find out where the boundaries are and what is and isn’t acceptable. I just wish they wouldn’t test me so much. It’s my job to give back that unconditional love and patience. Unfortunately, my patience (unlike my love) are not unending.
I despise letting my ego have a voice in my head! Today it has complained loudly about “Why on earth can’t DS just “get” this whole potty training thing? Hasn’t it been 2 years of potty learning? He’s been out of diapers other than nap and nighttime for over 6 months now! Why can’t he just TELL ME when he has to go?!?” (While I take DS every 2 hours, or sooner if he gives cues, he only tells me he has to go to the bathroom AFTER he goes. Today there were 2 “accidents”. One accident was 1/2 hour after he had just used the potty. He soaked the carseat.)
I hear that negative self talk in my head about how I should put the kids in preschool 5 days a week. The teachers are so good at handling the kids and my kids don’t push every single one of their teacher’s buttons! And then I feel guilt and shame because I’m their mom! I should relish every moment they are this age because it won’t be long before they will be required to be in school 5 days a week. I feel like such a jerk when these feelings creep up because all I ever wanted in life (okay, other than that childhood dream of being a singer…) was to be happily married and have my two kids. DAMN this human condition of always wanting what we don’t have! I know several moms that would give an arm to be at home with their kids and I’m wasting precious moments doubting my ability….
I guess it’s time to fill my cup. You can’t give anything to someone else if you don’t have anything in the first place right? My tank is on empty. It could have to do with this constant battle with chronic pain and hormone fluctuations related to ovulation and endometriosis. My mom tells me that I’m using up too much of my time with volunteer work. I feel like my volunteer time teaching about cloth diapering helps make me feel like me again. I get to talk to adults about something I’m passionate about and I actually help people.
I just wish we weren’t so isolated as parents. I want my village. I want teamwork. We all have our “stuff” in our homes. We’re so separate. I want more community and gardens and playgroups. If our family disappears one day it’s because I found some kind of eco-commune (sans the Koolaid, brain washing and zelots) and miraculously convinced my husband that it is where we should raise the kids.
So, on to how to fill my cup…. I’ve been much better about getting exercise. Just the other night I hung out with a friend. I know many a mom that fills up her cup, literally, with wine but that tends to leave me with a migraine… So what’s your favorite way to fill your cup? How do you get your mojo back so that you actually have something to give all those that depend on you? You don’t have to be a SAHM to answer this one. All of us have reached for the faucet for a refreshing glass of “you can do it”, only to find a dry tap. Right?