The toddler screaming phase

Recently I was talking to my friend Rachel and she asked me if DS ever went though a screaming phase. Ah, yes, back when the twins had very limited spoken words. Yes, I remember that. She told me that her son has been screaming for everything, not just things he doesn’t want, but things he does want and even things he doesn’t know he wants! This sounded so familiar that I just had to post about it.

What did I tell her? I asked her if she uses any sign language with her son. They have started using sign and I have to say that this is one of the best ideas out there for facilitating communication. (Check out Baby Signing Time!) I don’t think my son actually started using sign until he was closer to 18mos, but it really helped us communicate. When either DS or DD would freak out and yell for something I would guess at what they wanted and say “do you want cereal?” (or whatever the guess was), and, if they signaled in some way that I had guessed correctly, I would ask “Can you say cereal please?” while I singed the word cereal. I would give them a moment to try to say the word, but not long enough for them to get really pissed at me for not responding, and would then give them the cereal and sign cereal with their hands and my own again.

I would sign as much as I could when talking to the twins through out the day. A child psychologist I talked to at a workshop suggested that our environments can often be overstimulating for little ones. She suggested it is best not to have all their toys immediately accessible to them. Give them one or, at most, a few toys to play with and this will help facilitate language development. Children remember their favorite toys and will ask for them in one way or another. If you keep things out of their reach, they are required to ask for things they want and will be encouraged to verbalize or sign their needs.

I would also narrate the day verbally as we went along. Before the twins were talking much, I would set them in their highchairs to eat breakfast, and would tell them things like “Mommy is washing the dishes.” “Are you all done with breakfast? Mommy is going to wipe your hands and face to get the yogurt off.” Explaining these things to them calmed them because they understood what was going on, they were just unable to communicate back to me yet. They seemed very interested in my descriptions of regular daily activities like folding laundry and even joined in to “help”.

This stage is a very difficult one but it does pass! PS The screaming is followed shortly by the stage where they repeat all of your questions back to you as well as they can. For example, me: “Do you want a snack?”, DD: “wanna snack?”. This stage is slightly less irritating but can make you want to van Gogh your ear for a break….

Cleaning up a screaming toddler

What is more fun than trying to wipe the food covered face of a screaming toddler? Ok, maybe cleaning their bum. Babies and toddlers grow so fast and develop so quickly that it is often difficult to keep up with their changing needs. I know that the helpful hints in this post will seem obvious to many of you but in my experience there are MANY other out there that will find this to be a breakthrough.

I’m always stressing to my husband the importance of communicating with the kids. Let them know what you are going to do TO or FOR them. My daughter is VERY independent when it comes to self care. She has wanted to feed herself since starting solid food. Meal times can take a while if she is determined to eat every bite using her fork or spoon. I’m glad she uses her utensils because it’s great for her coordination, but sometimes a little adult help can go along way. I have learned that it is key to ASK HER if I can help. I don’t just take the spoon from her – this causes quite a scene. I ask her, “Can mommy help you make big scoops?” Usually I’m trying to help at the end of a meal when it is harder to scrape the bowl of yogurt etc.. I ask this question because she can get tiny scoops of food whereas I can make a big scoop of food. Most of the time she lets me help.

The twins are almost 2 years old and I have had to adjust my communication again. My daughter is just ahead of my son with her speaking skills so I have to adjust for her before I do for him. She used to let us clean her up after a meal with a  ”time to clean up”! That, however, is no longer enough communication for her. I recently started asking her to look at her hands while describing what food she has on them. I say, “you have yogurt on your hands!” and she will let me clean her up with out a fuss. It used to be a major struggle to clean up her face. Now that I remind her of the food she had on her face, she will let me clean it off without thrashing around.

I hope this small tip will help some of you make your day just a bit more enjoyable. If we can stop some of the little daily battles, we can better handle the major meltdowns related to teething or bumps and bruises.

Toddler Discipline

Recently I went to a Mother’s of Multiples convention. It was great fun and they had a few workshops you could choose to attend. The one I got the most out of was a workshop about toddler discipline put on by Karyn Searcy-Bair, M.A. (speech & language therapist) and Sherry Casper, Ph.D. (behavioral & Developmental Psychologist. They had many great tips for the room full of moms who were able to get away from their toddlers for a weekend. Their emphasis was on consistency and communication. I have started reading a few books on discipline but have yet to finish any. It was sooooo nice to get question/answer time with these two ladies to address some of our main concerns.

The first point that I remember from this workshop was to keep your communication simple. Don’t give long drawn out explanations of why we are or aren’t supposed to do this or that. Example: My son throws his sippy cup to the ground while eating. I say “no cups on the ground”. After this, I remove his cup from the ground and put it on the table away from his reach (off his tray). If he wants a drink, I let him have it and put it back on the table after he is done. He has lost his cup for this meal but will get it back at the next meal to try agin. It is important not to give a big emotional reaction to undesirable behavior because children like attention. They will get it any way they can. If you don’t give it to them for their good behavior, they will behave badly and get a reaction (and your attention) that way.

The second point that stood out to me was consistency or follow through. Sherry suggested that you never ask a child to do something you can’t physically make them do. This sounds horrible at first but let me give you an example. Today my wild ones were throwing fits. They were done in the play area I can see from the kitchen (where I keep them while I cleanup after meals). They wanted out. They started throwing fits and whining. I went over to get them to pick up this play area before we went into “the big room”. I did my usual “books away…. toys away” in a sing-songy voice. (This we learned from our Kindermusik teacher and it works – if used consistently – in all areas, bath toys, books, whatever). They cried and tried to climb out of the play area. So I used my new found technique. I repeated “books away, toys away” then counted to three (not OOOONNNEEE, TWOOOO, THREEEE!!!!) but just a nice “one, two, three” with a little excitement on the three, and then took their hands in my hands (one kid at a time), grabbed a book or toy with their hands, and walked them through the motions of putting the toys or books away. Yes, this kinda sucks. They did continue to cry for about two minutes of this but….. then, they got excited to help. I also say “thank you (name here) for helping mommy put they book/toys away”! This gets them excited about helping because they get approval for their positive behavior. Oh the turn around! Mind you, this is not an easy task. It is really hard to put that “happy face” on when you are totally annoyed by a bunch of whining. It is difficult to put the Mary Poppins in your voice when you have a migraine. But what a difference it makes in the response from the kids. The hard work of consistent discipline makes life SOOOO much easier later on.

Explaining what is expected of them in simple language will get you a long way as well. If you snatch things away from them that they aren’t supposed to have, they learn to snatch. I try to put out my hand and say “not for (name here)” and then tell them briefly why. PS if they are crying – they aren’t hearing you.

Another great tip was from “The Happiest Toddler on the Block”. He suggests that when your child has hurt themselves not to say “you’re ok, you’re ok!” even though we know they are (most of the time). Instead, validate their feeling by saying “owie”! or “ouch”! to show them you understand they are hurt. This works with any feeling. If they are mad about sharing a toy he suggests saying “MAD, MAD, MAD”! so that they calm down realizing you are identifying with them. Then redirect their behavior.

These have been great tips for me and I hope they will help you as well. I’ll post more when I learn them!